So as a young adult I was very vanilla. Lol, I didn’t even know what that word meant until I started my swinging adventures! But, basically I was somewhat sexually conservative. I thought porn was gross, I had no interest in watching it, I was intimidated by it, I thought all those porn stars were sluts! Oh, how our life can go in unexpected directions! It you had told me in my 20s that I’d be a porn star years later, I would have said you were crazy, lol.
I learnt early on that sex was a very complicated thing, and even read some books about sex and how it varies from person to person. Because I didn’t feel like the people in the movies and tv looked, I wasn’t writhing in ecstasy, having mind blown orgasms etc etc. I wanted to know what I was missing out on! You often hear that sex is better in a relationship, when you have feelings, (especially from women) but I didn’t find that to be the case, and for me that has definitely not proven to be correct.
So fast forward to my late 20s and I meet a guy that was a musician, pretty common boyfriend choice for me as I was raised in the music industry and was always around them, was previously a performer myself and I understood them. But this one was a little different. I tell people it was like Kid Rock dating Mary Poppins. I wasn’t a prude, I had no issues sleeping with guys I was attracted to, but I wasn’t adventurous or into experimenting. And Brad was a rockstar in every sense of the word. Signed to Capitol Records, he was charming, sexy, confident and was the epitome of a rock star; ex, drugs and rock and roll was his life.
I was a nurse at the time and worked part time at a management company, and he was working with my boss to pitch some of his songs. I was enamored and flattered when he flirted as he was so good looking, I knew all the rumors and getting involved would be a disaster, right? But against all best advice, I started seeing him and he seemed to settle down a bit, all his friends said I was good for him. And I wanted to believe he could change, he could commit to monogamy and ditch the days of sharing his girlfriends with strippers and groupies. I was wrong. Although we had some good times, there was a lot of bad and I can confidently say the worst relationship of my life. However, it taught me a lot and honestly, I don’t think I would be the same person, and have made the decisions I have made, had it not been for that relationship.
So long story short, he never stopped doing drugs, or cheating, and lying and gaslighting…and I finally couldn’t take it anymore. He had always had some sexual kinks I could work with; for example he always wanted lingerie for sex, or slutty outfits, heels and stockings. I was ok with that as I loved lingerie and always had a big collection, but only being able to have sex with it on was tedious. No morning sex ever, no rolling over and doing something spontaneous, it didn’t work like that. And he always wanted to invite girls or guys and I just couldn’t understand that. I mean, if he loved me, why would he want someone else?
I don’t think he was ever able to really explain that to me. I had no doubt he loved me but he was used to, and desired variety and adventure. I loved him so I started exploring sex sites, like Adult Friend Finder. I was terrified and nervous but I felt if we could explore together in a structured way I might be ok with it. But that was never really Brad’s style, he like spontaneity and wanted to pick up girls to bring home at a gig, not email back and forth with people and meet and determine chemistry etc. It wasn’t for him. And by this time I had reached my breaking point after finding out about a long affair he’d been having. So I left.
You would think at that point I’d go back to being the way I was before, right? But no, at this point I had been perusing AFF and was intrigued. I spent hours looking around and I started to get aroused and interested. I had never meant anyone online at that point and it seemed crazy to talk to people about really intimate things online and then meet and have sex. After Brad I began to question monogamy, and also whether sex was more exciting in these swinger type situations. So I slowly stepped into the world of alternative sexual thinking. It was a few years before I would call myself a swinger, but I started to experiment. More about that next time 😉